Memoirs of a real mom


Dear God

I'm having a hard time coping; coping with life, coping with me, coping with disappointments, failures, missed expectations, loss, love, hate, anger... coping. I feel I'm no good at anything. Not that I'm a failure, but just that I'm no good. Everything I try to do right or try to make right only laughs in my face and ridicules me. If I remain silent, things fall apart. If I say a word, things fall apart. If I do nothing, nothing happens. If I do something, things get worse. So then, what do I do? And what do I say? And to whom would I say it?

The thoughts that come to my mind sometimes have no gauge. It's either absolute rage or absolute solitude, no in-between, no middle ground. I don't know where to place these thoughts or emotions. If I bottle them up and keep them to myself, they just churn like a hairball in a cat's throat until it starts to choke the life out of me. If I say a word, it's like I spew fresh lava molten with the purest anger, wounding everything in sight. I really have no gauge. So now I simply sit with these venomous thoughts in my mind, wallow in their pit, watching the world continue to spin as people pass me by, smiling and laughing at everyday banter about Game of Thrones and other small talk, pretending not see the elephant sitting in my mind, reminding me of all the things that aren't right in my life.

I can't lie and say that I haven't thought of the unthinkable. Or just thought of walking out of my life on a dark lonely street in the middle of the darkest night. Pastor sometimes mentions this verse where, "Moses drew near to the thick darkness where God was" Ex 20:21. I feel sometimes I may be searching for something or someone like Moses was. Maybe I'm just searching for myself. Self-discovery. Self-search and rescue.

At times I just feel like undressing of my life like with clothes; just take it off and go on without. Naked and free. No hindrances, no obligations, no expectations, no nothing.

But then, there's this thing, this thing that keeps fighting me on the inside anytime I have these thoughts of giving up. This thing, it keeps pushing me, it keeps picking me up and showing me the bright side when I least want to see it. I honestly don't like this thing at all and I don't want to be offensive but honest. I just feel like this thing keeps setting me up for disaster or disappointment again. It gets my hopes up and gets me believing that I can do this or I can have this, only to be disappointed and fall flat on my face again, but this time with high hopes... so a flatter face. Why? Why make me believe that I can rise out of my solitude only to plunge me even further than I was before? Why?

I don't know what I'm going to do with myself or with my life. I have always been my biggest unanswered question. I am my biggest quest. I can only pray and hope that You give me the answers before I stop taking questions and just let things be.


The Real Me



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